I am a proud birth mother to a gorgeous little girl I love beyond measure, as does the rest of our family. Lola Magdelana (named for my great-grandma's). Today is her birthday, and she is 9. There has not been a day that goes by that I don't think about her, or miss her. The ache isn't as sharp and raw as it once was, but it will never truly dissipate until I hold her again. It has been almost 9 years since I have seen her, but it doesn't stop me from searching every crowd I am in for her face. She still lives here in Wisconsin; somewhere close to where I grew up. Tyler has grown accustomed to my crowd scanning over the years, whenever we take the kids to the zoo, the museum, Summerfest, State Fair, etc. I know the chances of catching a glimpse of my baby girl are slim- to-none, but I'm her mother and I can't help myself. I know she is safe and loved and well-cared for, but I just want to see it with my own eyes.
Make no mistake about it, I do not regret my decision to place her for adoption. And no, I didn't place her because I didn't want her (I hate when people make that judgement). Nothing could be further from the truth; for myself or any other birth mother I know. Placing my Lola for adoption was the hardest, most agonizing choice I have ever been forced to make. It took more courage, strength, and blind faith than I ever knew I possessed. I wanted to be selfish and keep my baby; I wanted Lola with me so very badly. But her safety and welfare, and that of my young sons at the time, had to come first. That's a mother's job...to put her children's needs and well-being above her own. To sacrifice everything for them, to ensure they have what is in their best interests. Even if it shatters a mother's heart into tiny little pieces, because it is so crushingly painful to accept she isn't it at that moment.
I did absolutely the best thing given the circumstances! I have never doubted that the parents I chose for Lola love her every bit as much as I do. They had been waiting, wishing, and hoping for my Lola for so very long. Oddly enough, their names are Matt & Kelly...(but not the same Matt & Kelly we blog about). Those two will always be her mom and dad, just like I will always be her mother. I am so grateful to them for raising my baby girl and loving her so much. Lola grew in my body, and shares half my DNA. She is one of only 4 people to ever hear the sound of my heart beating from the inside. Those connections with me can never be broken. Neither can the connections Lola shares with Matt & Kelly. They have held her and comforted her through illness, injury, and fear; watched her grow from newborn to pre-teen. They've taught Lola how to walk, talk, and ride her bike. They have had the privilege of watching Lola's first steps, hearing her first word, and watching her go off to school for the first time. We are all so blessed to have that beautiful girl in our lives!
I got to be with my Lola after the final adoption hearing in March of 2003 to say "see you later"; never goodbye. I held her for what seemed too short a time, and told that tiny baby everything I could about life, love, and our family in those few minutes. My mom presented Lola's mom with my baptismal gown, baby bracelet, and baby rings. The last thing I did for my daughter was bundle her up in the snowsuit her big brother wore as a baby, put my angel necklace around her neck, and place her in her mother's arms. It was a tender and heart wrenching moment. Then I watched as Lola left me. It was important to me that Lola know I never left her- I let her leave me because it was what was best for her.
{My last time with Lola}
As my mom pointed out to me this morning, we're halfway through. She's 9 today. Only 9 more years to go until she can come back to us. And she will come back to her home here- I know it with every fiber of my being!
<3 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOLA MAE! WE LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS!!! <3
{One of the last photos I received of her}
Tears. You're amazingly brave and strong!
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